The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I touched a dick in church today
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
