Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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