one two three fourrrrnication!
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
