Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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