i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
