She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
