Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
