Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
