Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
