Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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