I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
