she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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