Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
