Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Randomize
