I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
