Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
