Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I think weed is turning my hair brown
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
