I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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