someone owes me an orgasm
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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