You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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