Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I need a burrito and a hug.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
