The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
