I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
It's shark week go big or go home
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
