apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
smell my finger.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Randomize
