I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
