I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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