I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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