I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Fuck appropriateness.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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