you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
