Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
