We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
