After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
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