Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
