His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
