Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
