was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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