Michael Bay diarrhea
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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