Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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