saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
