WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
