Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
