Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
