I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize