I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
