I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
