I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
