It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
