Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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