Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
