I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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