Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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